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***QUESTION FROM A READER***

I am at the end of long long divorce settlement-(18 months) I started dating about six months after our split --meeting most on the internet-Found I was naturally using some cocky and funny but accelerated when I started getting your newsletter.

Meeting them and lining them up has been no problem- but once we are intimate --they want exclusivity--

I can't know what I want yet (except sex)--but don't want some of the good ones to get away--I keep hearing "you want your cake and eat it too!!"

Also---had one I was dating recently--wanted to know about anybody and everyone else I was seeing---said the openness was good for a relationship.

I disagreed??
rb--michigan

David D. >>>MY COMMENTS:

I'm glad you wrote in, because I think that this is a topic that is near and dear to a lot of single men.

And even though I have not been married myself, I know what it's like to be in a relationship for a couple of years and then all of a sudden be single again... and I know what it's like to feel like you're starting over again. You have brought up some great points here, so let's see if I can't add some insight.

First, I think that it's pretty natural for a guy who has just ended a long-term relationship to feel rather "naked" when it comes to women and dating. Often times, there are problems and drama when two people break up, and sometimes you even have jealousy and other issues to deal with.

So one of the most important things to do when you're "getting back into the swing of things" is to remember that things will improve with time. It might take you a few weeks or months after you start dating again to feel like "you're back".

You might even feel a little needy and lonely, which I also think is natural after breaking up with someone who you were very close to.

A critical mistake to avoid is TURNING INTO A NEEDY WUSS, AND TRYING TO WIN YOUR EX BACK... OR TURNING INTO A NEEDY WUSS AND TRYING TO WIN ANY WOMAN.

Now, it doesn't sound to me like this is your problem, but I think that something like this might be part of one of your problems.

Huh?

Whatever... I'll just keep talking and you'll figure out what I'm saying.

You've probably been in your relationship for at least a few YEARS. When you're in a relationship for this long, I think that guys naturally start behaving differently than they would if they were just dating a woman.

It's natural and expected that you're going to see your spouse every day, sleep with her every night (I said sleep with, not have sex with... I know, I know)... and generally be "around" all the time. Well, when you start DATING a woman, one of the KEY factors that she looks at to decide whether or not you're going to be "relationship" material is HOW MUCH TIME YOU SPEND TOGETHER.

I'm going to bet that these women you're meeting who want to be "exclusive" with you are responding that way because you're spending A LOT of time with them.

If you're only interested in dating, and not in forming a relationship, then try this:

ONLY SEE HER ONCE A WEEK... TWICE AT THE MOST.

And only call her once or twice a week as well. This should solve your "I want to be exclusive" problem.

Women tend to get into "relationship mode" when you start ACTING like you're already in one.

And a big part of that is how often you see her.

If you only see her once a week or so, a woman will sense at a deep level that you're not ready to "settle down" with her, and that you're busy doing other things and PROBABLY dating other women.

Next, you mentioned that you were dating a woman, and she wanted to know about every other woman you were seeing, and that "the openness would be good for
the relationship".

AH, THE "R" WORD AGAIN!

I wasn't there when she said it, so I can't be sure, but my guess is that what she meant was "The openness would be good for ME, because I want to know", and NOT that it would be good for the "relationship".

This is subtle, but see if you can follow me.

You said that you disagreed (with a question mark, which to me means that you'd like to know whether or not I agree with you disagreeing).

I'd like to know HOW you disagreed, personally.

A lot of guys come across as weak when they disagree, because they just sound either argumentative or insecure- or even worse, like they're trying to hide something.

If a woman said to me "Tell me about all the other women you're seeing. I think it would be good for the relationship." I'd probably say:

"Who's relationship are you talking about?"
...and then I'd laugh.

Or I might say "I don't kiss and tell", then smile at her.

In any case, I wouldn't ever communicate in a way that says "I'm uncomfortable" or "I'm going to give you what you want so you like me".

You have to remember that a woman is going to test your limits at ALL TIMES. And it never ends.

If you kiss up to a woman and give her what she's asking in the moment she probably won't respect you in the LONG TERM, because she knows that she can get whatever she wants from you.

So if you answer a question like this by either:
1) Telling her what she wants to know, even though you don't WANT to tell her...

...or...

2) Telling her that you disagree in a way that makes her think that you're trying to hide something...

...then she's going to feel like she "has something on you" and that she can get her way with you in the future. Or she might just up and leave because she feels like you're seeing other women AND trying to hide it.

I know, isn't it all so complex?

My personal perspective on this topic is that a man and woman should typically wait at LEAST a few months before getting into any kind of "relationship".

And if I'm dating a woman and she asks me if I'd like to get into a relationship, and if I'm seeing other women, I'll answer something like this:
"First of all, I don't think it's a good idea for a man and woman to have a RELATIONSHIP relationship until after they've known each other for AT LEAST 3-6 months. I'd say that one of the reasons why a lot of relationships end so BADLY is because the two people didn't take the time to get to know each other first. Also, I think it's a bad idea to talk about other people that you're seeing during that time, because almost nothing good can come of it" and I leave it at that.

As you can probably tell, I really believe this.

Again, it's crucial that you don't answer a question like this in a way that is defensive or argumentative.

If you do, you'll risk being rejected for being sneaky or dishonest.

In summary, it sounds to me like you're probably used to being in a close relationship, and you're ACTING like you're in a relationship with these women that you're just dating. When you do this, a woman will start to feel those "relationship" emotions, and start asking questions and behaving like she's your girlfriend.

If you lean back a little, don't see a woman more than once or twice a week, and stop behaving in a way that says "we're in a relationship now", then the women will get it. They'll pick up on your body language and communication, and stop acting like girlfriends or wives.

David D.